Saturday, July 30, 2011
Progress - Forward Motion
I am happy to say I have lost 7 lbs. Sadly I had gotten up to 237. It's amazing with PCOS because it can feel like you go to bed wake up and the next day you've gained 10-20 lbs. Or you walk by the ice cream isle in the grocery store and you go up a pants size. So I am down to 230, which is 2 lbs less than when I originally started this blog July 4th 2010. Sometimes the journey is just longer, harder and more complicated than we originally planned. Sometimes we have little mini journeys within the bigger journey that we have to deal with before we can get back to moving forward. I feel like for the first time in months I am moving forward again. Let me repeat that since it sounds so damn good to say: I feel like I am moving forward again! Not backwards, not sideways, not standing still ----forward!!!! And forward is the exact direction I need and want to go. My wonderful Dr. had this ingenious idea to break the 500 mg tablets of Metformin in half and just take them more through out the day. So I now take 1 250mg half tab of Metformin 4 times a day and the side effects ( nausea, tiredness, diarrhea, throwing up, etc) have been minimal. In fact almost non existent. I also think not drinking a bottle of wine a night or whatever awful thing I was doing to myself to try and drown my depression is helping me lose weight. A bottle of red wine has between 500-600 calories in it. That's a whole whole lot of calories right there. I don't miss drinking, I don't miss the calories, and I don't miss the hangovers. I am learning how to deal with life's problems sober. We come into this world sober, I don't know why we choose to poison our bodies when we get older. Then again why do people smoke, do drugs or stuff their faces with processed junk? Life's hard. Life isn't fair. Things that bring us instant pleasure are hard to say no to. That is part of my journey. Learning to say no to the things that give us instant pleasure, in return, looking forward to a goal that is much greater and much more meaningful. I'm moving forward. I am exactly where I need to be right now.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Grief
"Grieving is a necessary passage and a difficult transition to finally letting go of sorrow - it is not a permanent rest stop" - Dodinsky
"Give Sorrow words: the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break" - William Shakespeare
When people think of grief they think of death, but grief can exist in many other forms. Most of us take our grief, from whatever cause, and stuff it down like a magnet, collecting more pain and grief along the way. At some point in our lives we have events or losses that trigger our grief. I have learned that there are 5 stages.
1.Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2.Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3.Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
4.Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5.Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality or that of a loved one.
The above example uses death. But again death is not the only thing people grieve.We will all at some point in our lives face grief. Whether is be the loss of a marriage, the death of a loved one, or a major change in our lives we cannot control. I think it is ok for people with PCOS to grieve. In fact I think it is important. To acknowledge the loss of control we have over our bodies. To possibly not be able to have children. To likely develop obesity, heart disease, diabetes, etc. The cycle of grief is in itself a beautiful thing, because in the end there is peace and there is acceptance. And along the way we face our demon. We recognize it. We mourn it. And then we let it go. I am not giving up on getting better, but I think before I can get better I need to find that peace. Maybe the act of searching for that peace is in itself getting better.
"Give Sorrow words: the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break" - William Shakespeare
When people think of grief they think of death, but grief can exist in many other forms. Most of us take our grief, from whatever cause, and stuff it down like a magnet, collecting more pain and grief along the way. At some point in our lives we have events or losses that trigger our grief. I have learned that there are 5 stages.
1.Denial — "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of possessions and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2.Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy.
3.Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time..."
4.Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5.Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with her/his mortality or that of a loved one.
The above example uses death. But again death is not the only thing people grieve.We will all at some point in our lives face grief. Whether is be the loss of a marriage, the death of a loved one, or a major change in our lives we cannot control. I think it is ok for people with PCOS to grieve. In fact I think it is important. To acknowledge the loss of control we have over our bodies. To possibly not be able to have children. To likely develop obesity, heart disease, diabetes, etc. The cycle of grief is in itself a beautiful thing, because in the end there is peace and there is acceptance. And along the way we face our demon. We recognize it. We mourn it. And then we let it go. I am not giving up on getting better, but I think before I can get better I need to find that peace. Maybe the act of searching for that peace is in itself getting better.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Eating Healthy - Eating In vs. Eating Out
Sean and I were "discussing" the cost of eating healthy. Sean and I grew up in two different worlds. My world was full of home cooked meals, no soda, no junk. We weren't rich, and my mom pinched pennies and clipped coupons like a pro. Always had her calculator out to decipher which was cheapest by the ounce. Sean grew up on more cheap foods. Ramon was a staple. Hamburger helper.Beans and rice. Fast food when they could afford it. ( I would have been so jealous as a child). So in these tough economic times, when we are all looking to save where we can the question arose - what is really gets you the most bang for the buck? Eating out costs Sean and I on average $30-50 at a sit down restaurant. Going through a drive through cost us $10-20. So eating out 3 nights a week is $150. Driving through 5 times a week is another $100. So that's $250, plus whatever small amount of food we have laying around the house. I'd estimate $300-350 a week on food for 2 people. I went through our recent transactions on my debit and credit cards and 70% were food. So we decided ok it is time for a change. It is no secret we both need to lose a large amount of weight. We have both had success in the past only to fall. We have also tried every "diet" out there. Really what I have decided is the smart way to eat is as follows:
1. eat lots of lien protein with every meal
2. limit carbohydrates, and when you do eat carbs eat high fiber carbs because at least they are more filling
3. Don't deny yourself any food. If you have a craving so bad then have a little. But be conscience of the portion size.
4. veggies veggies veggies
5. fruit is good but should be more of a dessert than part of the meal because it is very high in sugar
6. Remember " A calorie in a calorie out" if you want to lose weight you've got to eat less calories than your body is burning and lastly
7. Exercise. Our ancestors didn't sit on their butts 8 hours a day then go home and sit on their butts until they fell asleep. No they worked physical jobs. They walked places. You have to find exercise you find fun, but we've all got to do it. Walking, biking, dancing, yoga, whatever - just do it. I think (even though I am not in good enough shape yet to do this) we should all probably aim for an hour of "exercise" a day.
8. if you have PCOS and you are taking medications like Metformin then take your medication. Don't stop cause you want to cheat. If you cheat let the medicine make you sick. You will be less likely to cheat the next time.
And that is my unlicensed unprofessional opinion on what works. So today Sean and I spent about $200 at Sun Harvest, Sam's and H-E-B stocking up on enough food and snacks to last us the entire week so that we should not have to venture from our home when we get hungry. Or call the guy who delivers either. $350 vs. $200 is big savings. And, you get much more bang for your buck, Because the food is healthy. So let's see how this up coming week goes and if Sean and I can resist the temptation of fast food, take out and dinner's out. This is our goal for the week.
1. eat lots of lien protein with every meal
2. limit carbohydrates, and when you do eat carbs eat high fiber carbs because at least they are more filling
3. Don't deny yourself any food. If you have a craving so bad then have a little. But be conscience of the portion size.
4. veggies veggies veggies
5. fruit is good but should be more of a dessert than part of the meal because it is very high in sugar
6. Remember " A calorie in a calorie out" if you want to lose weight you've got to eat less calories than your body is burning and lastly
7. Exercise. Our ancestors didn't sit on their butts 8 hours a day then go home and sit on their butts until they fell asleep. No they worked physical jobs. They walked places. You have to find exercise you find fun, but we've all got to do it. Walking, biking, dancing, yoga, whatever - just do it. I think (even though I am not in good enough shape yet to do this) we should all probably aim for an hour of "exercise" a day.
8. if you have PCOS and you are taking medications like Metformin then take your medication. Don't stop cause you want to cheat. If you cheat let the medicine make you sick. You will be less likely to cheat the next time.
And that is my unlicensed unprofessional opinion on what works. So today Sean and I spent about $200 at Sun Harvest, Sam's and H-E-B stocking up on enough food and snacks to last us the entire week so that we should not have to venture from our home when we get hungry. Or call the guy who delivers either. $350 vs. $200 is big savings. And, you get much more bang for your buck, Because the food is healthy. So let's see how this up coming week goes and if Sean and I can resist the temptation of fast food, take out and dinner's out. This is our goal for the week.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Hard Climb Back Up The Mountain
"I took my love and I took it down, I climbed a mountain and I turned around, and I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills, well the landslide brought me down" - Stevie Knicks
I know obviously "Landslide" is a song about love, but we can also get our own messages out of songs that the author never intended. That's one of the beautiful things about music and art, we the receiver can perceive however we please. I thought over a year ago July 4th 2010 when I started this blog, that I was going to climb that mountain. And when I got to the top I was going to do a couple of back flips and then throw a huge party. I did well. I worked my ass off for months losing almost 20 lbs (which for a person with PCOS is no small feat). I thought I was climbing that mountain. But, then I started loosing sight of the goal. The stress of life began to overwhelm me. My drinking got out of control. I chose to drink rather than to take the Metformin, the very medication that was helping me get better. I maintained my weight loss for many months. And, I lied to myself that I would pick it back up next week. When I would try and take the medication again, I would get sick as a dog. The thing about Metformin is that you can't stop and start it. You've got to stay on it. And you sure as hell shouldn't drink. It says so right on the label in BIG BOLD LETTERS. But an addict can rationalize anything in their minds. Make and excuse. Find a way around. Drinking became more important to me than any of my goals of losing weight, looking great for my wedding, getting healthy and having a baby. And so I started to climb the wrong mountain. This mountain I will call the "Pile of Shit Mountain". Excuse my french. This was a mountain of pain and denial. Of excuses and making the wrong decisions. A mountain filled with late night runs to the convenience store for ice cream, candy bars and wine. Things I thought were making me feel better. Right between the Good Mountain and the Mountain of Shit there is a dam and behind it is the biggest lake of emotion you will ever see. We all have one. Each time a hole would appear in my dam I would fill it with the wrong crap. Food and alcohol. Now crap food and excessive alcohol do not make good cement. In fact if you read the back of a bag of cement they are definitely not listed in the ingredients. So my wall was weak, and eventually my wall broke. And just like Stevie Knicks says " I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills and the landslide brought me down". All the holes I patched with the wrong ingredients burst and my dam started crying. And this is where I find myself today. I have gotten off the pile of shit mountain. I haven't had a drink in 22 days. I waved the white flag. Or for Stevie's sake I'll say I sent a white dove. And I hopped a ride over the right mountain. So today I stand at the bottom of the mountain. And I have never been so thankful in my life, because this is right where I am supposed to be. Every day I am mixing the right cement patching the holes in the damn that holds back my emotion, but not before I let a little more of the bad emotion go as not to put too much pressure on the dam. When I see my reflection I'm not going to lie, I still don't love what I see, but I know this will take time. It will take time to climb the right mountain. It will take time to learn to love myself. And every day that I make the right decisions I take another step up the right mountain. I know along the way there will be bridges over to the Mountain of Shit and I will have to make the choice not to walk across those bridges. But every time I do I will be stronger. Every day I stay on the right mountain I get stronger. And, someday I will reach the top of my mountain. And I will write my own song. One where the landslide doesn't bring me down. And when I look at my reflection in the snow covered hills I will see a beautiful, strong, loving, wonderful person who deserves to be exactly where she stands.
I know obviously "Landslide" is a song about love, but we can also get our own messages out of songs that the author never intended. That's one of the beautiful things about music and art, we the receiver can perceive however we please. I thought over a year ago July 4th 2010 when I started this blog, that I was going to climb that mountain. And when I got to the top I was going to do a couple of back flips and then throw a huge party. I did well. I worked my ass off for months losing almost 20 lbs (which for a person with PCOS is no small feat). I thought I was climbing that mountain. But, then I started loosing sight of the goal. The stress of life began to overwhelm me. My drinking got out of control. I chose to drink rather than to take the Metformin, the very medication that was helping me get better. I maintained my weight loss for many months. And, I lied to myself that I would pick it back up next week. When I would try and take the medication again, I would get sick as a dog. The thing about Metformin is that you can't stop and start it. You've got to stay on it. And you sure as hell shouldn't drink. It says so right on the label in BIG BOLD LETTERS. But an addict can rationalize anything in their minds. Make and excuse. Find a way around. Drinking became more important to me than any of my goals of losing weight, looking great for my wedding, getting healthy and having a baby. And so I started to climb the wrong mountain. This mountain I will call the "Pile of Shit Mountain". Excuse my french. This was a mountain of pain and denial. Of excuses and making the wrong decisions. A mountain filled with late night runs to the convenience store for ice cream, candy bars and wine. Things I thought were making me feel better. Right between the Good Mountain and the Mountain of Shit there is a dam and behind it is the biggest lake of emotion you will ever see. We all have one. Each time a hole would appear in my dam I would fill it with the wrong crap. Food and alcohol. Now crap food and excessive alcohol do not make good cement. In fact if you read the back of a bag of cement they are definitely not listed in the ingredients. So my wall was weak, and eventually my wall broke. And just like Stevie Knicks says " I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills and the landslide brought me down". All the holes I patched with the wrong ingredients burst and my dam started crying. And this is where I find myself today. I have gotten off the pile of shit mountain. I haven't had a drink in 22 days. I waved the white flag. Or for Stevie's sake I'll say I sent a white dove. And I hopped a ride over the right mountain. So today I stand at the bottom of the mountain. And I have never been so thankful in my life, because this is right where I am supposed to be. Every day I am mixing the right cement patching the holes in the damn that holds back my emotion, but not before I let a little more of the bad emotion go as not to put too much pressure on the dam. When I see my reflection I'm not going to lie, I still don't love what I see, but I know this will take time. It will take time to climb the right mountain. It will take time to learn to love myself. And every day that I make the right decisions I take another step up the right mountain. I know along the way there will be bridges over to the Mountain of Shit and I will have to make the choice not to walk across those bridges. But every time I do I will be stronger. Every day I stay on the right mountain I get stronger. And, someday I will reach the top of my mountain. And I will write my own song. One where the landslide doesn't bring me down. And when I look at my reflection in the snow covered hills I will see a beautiful, strong, loving, wonderful person who deserves to be exactly where she stands.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Surrender
There are times in life where we have to realize that our problems are bigger than ourselves. Sometimes we have to surrender to outside help. One of the things that PCOS causes is depression. When they put me on the higher estrogen I literally could no longer function. I am getting help seeing a slew of doctors. I am starting out with Wellbutrin once a day and Klonopin four times a day.I am not allowed to drink at all, which is a big change for me. I am also taking some time off work. I can't make it more than a few hours without having some kind of break down and crying. The simplest tasks seem impossible. So right now my main focus is getting back to a good place, and when I get there I will start working again on loosing the weight and getting healthy so that I can have a baby and live a long healthy life.
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