Forward Motion in a Backward Moving World

Sometimes I get this strange feeling that I am moving forward and the world around me is moving backwards. You get hit with one negative thing after another and then out of nowhere you pull yourself together a little will power and you create something good. Something good is moving forward.

Well, two week into our healthy eating adventure and Sean has lost about 13-14 lbs and I have lost about 12. Convention says this must be water weight, which is explainable after gaining 50 lbs in 4 months. I expect that eventually the weekly weight loss will level off at something in the normal range like 1-2 lbs per week.

Eventually, I am going to have to start exercising. This is challenging for me physically and mentally, but it is a goal I need to reach even if it is just light walking. Reasons I need exercise.

1. movement in my legs helps with the pain in my legs
2. exercise is good for the endocrine system - it helps level off blood sugar
3. exercise is great for depression, anxiety, and just over-all well being

Exercise is definitely forward motion.

I guess that is a great way to look at things. Is this forward or backward motion? Eating ice cream. Back ward motion. Gardening. Forward motion. Sleeping all day. Back ward motion. Playing my original songs at an open mic night. Forward motion. There will always be both forward and backward motion in life, I suppose the goal is to find the right balance and aim for as much more forward motion as you can muster.

Is there a point that is gets so bad that we hide not only from other but from ourselves? I think so. Denial is a powerful thing. Many women with PCOS suffer from mental disorders, such as depression. Yes I said mental disorder, a lot of people have them, but not a lot a of people talk about them.

 I suffer particularly badly from depression and anxiety and the meds were just not enough until my doctor added a drug resperidrone to the mix. Suddenly my mind cleared, like clouds parting on a sunny day, and things started to make sense again. They warned me, they said this drug would cause weight gain. What I didn't know is that I would gain 50 lbs in 4 months. Now that has to be some kind of record. My feet hut. My knees hurt. My skin hurts. My pride hurts. The final draw was last week when I weighed in at a whopping 278 from 229 4 months ago. My first reaction was to drop the drug, but then when I thought about it I realized that I would rather be sane and happy than thin and unhappy. Then a wise friend pointed out that perhaps I should look at what I was eating. Resperidrone makes you hungry, it doesn't make your body metabolize any different.

So last week for 7 days I ate healthy and I did lots of gardening and I lost 8 lbs. Down to 270. Now I know that most of that is water weight, but it shows me that 1. I can stay on the Resperidrone 2. your first assumption is just that an assumption and 3. often we don't realize how much we are eating and that is why is can be so important to keep a food journal even if for just one week out of the month to make sure you aren't eating more than you think.

This is a really long journey. First I thought it was just about weight. Then it became about finding out I was sick with IC and dealing with that. Quitting drinking and smoking for health reasons.Getting help for my depression and anxiety.  Changing my life. Since the day I started this journey my life has been changing dramatically. And that was the point to begin with - change. I realize now weight loss was just a catalyst for change greater than I could imagine.

Movement in The Right Direction

I have been back on my Metformin for 3-4 weeks. I am happy to say the weight gain freight train finally stopped and I've managed to lose 5 lbs! It's a good start in the right direction and very motivating. Probably starting this weekend I am going to up the Metformin to 3x per day for a total of 1500 mg. Or maybe I will wait. Not looking forward to the 2 weeks of stomach sickness upping Metformin usually causes. But, the good news is that with me it seems to go away after a few weeks,  I have heard that other's can't handle the metformin at all. I have also put in a request to move from a full time position at my job to a 25 hour part time position. This is more due to my Interstitial Cystitus, although my other issues are also a factor. I hope working less hours (if approved) will give me more time to work on getting healthier.

The Weight of Weight

Well it happened again. I blinked twice and put on 15 lbs. I ran out of my Metformin around the holidays and my doctor had fallen and hurt her neck, so it took a month and a half to get it refilled. At first I was fine. I kept weighing myself and I wasn't gaining. Then one day I went to the dr. and I had gained 5 lbs. Then a week later a few more lbs. My doctor calls it the PCOS freight train. Once my hormones get out of wack I go into metabolic sydrome and start putting on weight like nobody's business. First you have to put the brakes on the train. Which finally last week I dropped 2 lbs, which means the brakes have been applied. Then you can start loosing weight again. After I stopped drinking in July I lost 25 lbs very easily. But, after about 4 months I started to eat a lot of junk and was down to only 1 metformin a day. As of today I have been back on 2 metformin a day for the past 2 weeks. And yes, I got to enjoy all the lovely side effects. Today is the first day I didn't wake up with an upset stomach. There were days I felt like throwing up all day. Days I spent hours in the restroom. It's not pretty but its real. PCOS is real. And, no matter how hard you try, when you gain the weight back that you lost it always sucks. On top of that, you gain it so quickly it comes on so fast. You wake up one day and go oh shit I gained 15 lbs. You know its been about 4 years since I have been a good healthy weight. I have been trying for the past 4 years to lose this weight. It is an emotional and physical burden. It not only hurts my health, but it effects how I feel about myself. I have pretty much my whole life ranged between a size 4 and a size 10. Now I wear a size 16 and frankly its weird. I look in the mirror and I still don't recognize the person staring back at me. I pretty much live in t-shirts and sweat pants. I wanted so badly to have a the big wedding Sean and I never got, but I refuse to plan a wedding like this. Talk to me when I am a size 10 and then maybe we can start planning. I know that sounds so superficial, but its just how I feel and what I want. Yes, health and having a family someday are my main concerns, but I also want to feel good about myself. There is an emotional weight to weight. It can't be measured in lbs are dress sizes, but in feelings and insecurities. Either I am going to have to lose this weight, or I need to accept myself just the way I am. Something in me keeps telling me "don't give up". So I keep getting knocked down, and I keep getting back up. So let's do this. It's just another round in my fight with PCOS.