Is there a point that is gets so bad that we hide not only from other but from ourselves? I think so. Denial is a powerful thing. Many women with PCOS suffer from mental disorders, such as depression. Yes I said mental disorder, a lot of people have them, but not a lot a of people talk about them.

 I suffer particularly badly from depression and anxiety and the meds were just not enough until my doctor added a drug resperidrone to the mix. Suddenly my mind cleared, like clouds parting on a sunny day, and things started to make sense again. They warned me, they said this drug would cause weight gain. What I didn't know is that I would gain 50 lbs in 4 months. Now that has to be some kind of record. My feet hut. My knees hurt. My skin hurts. My pride hurts. The final draw was last week when I weighed in at a whopping 278 from 229 4 months ago. My first reaction was to drop the drug, but then when I thought about it I realized that I would rather be sane and happy than thin and unhappy. Then a wise friend pointed out that perhaps I should look at what I was eating. Resperidrone makes you hungry, it doesn't make your body metabolize any different.

So last week for 7 days I ate healthy and I did lots of gardening and I lost 8 lbs. Down to 270. Now I know that most of that is water weight, but it shows me that 1. I can stay on the Resperidrone 2. your first assumption is just that an assumption and 3. often we don't realize how much we are eating and that is why is can be so important to keep a food journal even if for just one week out of the month to make sure you aren't eating more than you think.

This is a really long journey. First I thought it was just about weight. Then it became about finding out I was sick with IC and dealing with that. Quitting drinking and smoking for health reasons.Getting help for my depression and anxiety.  Changing my life. Since the day I started this journey my life has been changing dramatically. And that was the point to begin with - change. I realize now weight loss was just a catalyst for change greater than I could imagine.

Movement in The Right Direction

I have been back on my Metformin for 3-4 weeks. I am happy to say the weight gain freight train finally stopped and I've managed to lose 5 lbs! It's a good start in the right direction and very motivating. Probably starting this weekend I am going to up the Metformin to 3x per day for a total of 1500 mg. Or maybe I will wait. Not looking forward to the 2 weeks of stomach sickness upping Metformin usually causes. But, the good news is that with me it seems to go away after a few weeks,  I have heard that other's can't handle the metformin at all. I have also put in a request to move from a full time position at my job to a 25 hour part time position. This is more due to my Interstitial Cystitus, although my other issues are also a factor. I hope working less hours (if approved) will give me more time to work on getting healthier.

The Weight of Weight

Well it happened again. I blinked twice and put on 15 lbs. I ran out of my Metformin around the holidays and my doctor had fallen and hurt her neck, so it took a month and a half to get it refilled. At first I was fine. I kept weighing myself and I wasn't gaining. Then one day I went to the dr. and I had gained 5 lbs. Then a week later a few more lbs. My doctor calls it the PCOS freight train. Once my hormones get out of wack I go into metabolic sydrome and start putting on weight like nobody's business. First you have to put the brakes on the train. Which finally last week I dropped 2 lbs, which means the brakes have been applied. Then you can start loosing weight again. After I stopped drinking in July I lost 25 lbs very easily. But, after about 4 months I started to eat a lot of junk and was down to only 1 metformin a day. As of today I have been back on 2 metformin a day for the past 2 weeks. And yes, I got to enjoy all the lovely side effects. Today is the first day I didn't wake up with an upset stomach. There were days I felt like throwing up all day. Days I spent hours in the restroom. It's not pretty but its real. PCOS is real. And, no matter how hard you try, when you gain the weight back that you lost it always sucks. On top of that, you gain it so quickly it comes on so fast. You wake up one day and go oh shit I gained 15 lbs. You know its been about 4 years since I have been a good healthy weight. I have been trying for the past 4 years to lose this weight. It is an emotional and physical burden. It not only hurts my health, but it effects how I feel about myself. I have pretty much my whole life ranged between a size 4 and a size 10. Now I wear a size 16 and frankly its weird. I look in the mirror and I still don't recognize the person staring back at me. I pretty much live in t-shirts and sweat pants. I wanted so badly to have a the big wedding Sean and I never got, but I refuse to plan a wedding like this. Talk to me when I am a size 10 and then maybe we can start planning. I know that sounds so superficial, but its just how I feel and what I want. Yes, health and having a family someday are my main concerns, but I also want to feel good about myself. There is an emotional weight to weight. It can't be measured in lbs are dress sizes, but in feelings and insecurities. Either I am going to have to lose this weight, or I need to accept myself just the way I am. Something in me keeps telling me "don't give up". So I keep getting knocked down, and I keep getting back up. So let's do this. It's just another round in my fight with PCOS.

Change is not a Destination, It is a Journey

I can't believe I haven't posted in my blog since October. Things have gotten a lot better for me personally. I had a bout of depression after finding out I have Interstitial Cystitis. The wellbutrin just wasn't cutting it so they added cymbalta to the mix which made a big difference. As far as eating healthy, while I did still manage to take one Metformin a day, I pretty much ate like crap for the past 2 months. Think I have gained back about 10 of the 25 that I lost. I guess its just part of journey I've been on my whole life. When you have PCOS if you slip up even for a small amount of time you can put on a lot of weight very quick because our bodies don't process insulin the way a normal person's body does. I'm not crying over the 10 lbs. I expect I will probably always gain a few pounds during the holidays. We should just accept that instead of beating ourselves up about it every year. I'm not entering any beauty competitions any time soon. My focus is just on my health. Women with PCOS have a huge risk of diabetes, heart disease, and infertility. I would like to prevent those as much as possible.

So the plan for the new year. Is to make small changes every day that will hopefully within a few months equal up to me dropping the holiday weight I gained and hopefully more from there. So I am going to start with breakfast. I am going to make it a habit to eat oatmeal and eggs every morning. Also I am going to start taking my Metformin two times a day. Eventually I will work myself back up to three times a day. Here are other changes I will be making slowly over the next couple of months.

. walking 20-30 minutes each morning
. figuring out what kind of healthy meals I can eat for lunch and dinner that adhere to my IC diet
. waking up earlier to give myself more time in the morning for myself
. cutting out processed sugar except for maybe one day a week
. trying Yoga and meditation
. adding a fish oil supplement to help my cholesterol levels and my overall heart health

Those are just some ideas. It's not a crazy diet or a insane workout plan. I will slowly introduce 1-2 things each week or two, until hopefully I have made doing them all a habit. If I feel myself getting overwhelmed I will take a step back. I also will only weigh myself once a week at the same time. I don't want to make this about numbers on a scale, but I do need to weigh myself to track my progress. I read somewhere that those people who weigh themselves at least once a week have on average lower BMI's than those people that don't. Makes sense.

So change really is not a destination, it is a journey. There is no time limit on this change. Of course I have goals that I want to reach, but along the way new goals can come up. You don't get to a point and say "ok I am done". We are never done changing. Every day cells in our body die and new cells are born. We by our own nature change constantly. We are creatures of change and I am learning to embrace that.

Day 100/ Learning Acceptance

Today marks' the 100th day of my most recent adventure in change. I find my biggest challange is acceptance. I find that I am angry most of the time, and I realize this anger comes from fear and this fear is my fear of losing control. See contrary to how I would have it, I just can't fix everything. So, when my husband or I get sick, or if we have financial issues, or if a crazy relative decides to be themselves or whatever the trigger I just loose it inside. I pray every day for God to teach me acceptance. There are things I can change and there are things I can't change, and its up to God to help me accept the things I cannot change. I have accomplished a lot in 100 days. I have lost over 20 lbs. I have given up alcohol, ciggarettes, chocolate, caffiene, tomato products, citrus, most fruit, vitamin c, artificial sweeteners, and sodas. Sometimes I get angry that I had to give up those things. For instance fruit. Fruit is supposed to be good for you, but not when you have Intercystial Cystitus. Anything harsh you eat or drink can cause what are called flare up in your bladder and pelvic floor muscles. Same thing with having PCOS. I take metformin, therfor I can't drink and I can't eat high fat foods without feeling sick to my stomach. These things that make me angry, these things that are out of my control, I must learn to let go.

"And acceptance was the answer to all of my problems today. When I am distrubed it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly as it is supposed to be at that moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in this world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."

Sometimes I have to read that quote over and over again until I calm down. You can't just reverse 28 years of thinking in 100 days. I will never know why God created me the way I am with the illnessess I have, but I can only trust that I was meant to be this way. For some reason, or no reason, I was meant to be this way. I can change only what I can change, and the things beyond my control I must accept and let go. When it comes to your health I say be your own advocate. Fight for answers. Do everything you can in your life to make things better, by no means do I think we should give up and give in. But, what I am saying, is that in order remain sane in this really chaotic world, which likes to throw things at us daily to deal with, we have to accept that we cannot control everything. Somethings just are, and will be, and all you can do is build your life arround them.

Casey vs. Blue Bell

About 3-4 weeks ago I had a really terrible week. I was in awful pain an I pretty much layed in bed all that week. Basically I had a little pitty party for myself. I lost 4 lbs that week, because I pretty much didn't eat anything. When I got to feeling better the next week, I somehow stopped working out and started eating lots of carbs after work. Now mind you I have given up alcohol, ciggarettes, caffiene, chocolate, spicy foods, sodas, carbonation, artificial sweeteners. Basically I'm a nun. I've even given up shopping, as I realized I was using shopping to make me feel better. So I find myself craving carbs like you would not believe. My biggest enemy right now is blue bell ice cream of the homemade vanilla variety. It's a love hate relationship. I love him my scale hates him. I don't want to break up forever with Mr. Blue Bell but I know I've got to stop buying a pint after work or before you know it all that hard work to lose almost 25 lbs so far will go down the drain. It was this time exactly last year that I started slacking and before you know it I regained the weight I had lost an then some. PCOS is tricky that way - very hard to lose weight very easy to gain weight. It's not fair but crying about it won't change it (I tried that) so you just have to deal with it. So the first thing I need to do is set a limit. I think me and Mr Bluebell should only get together once a week maybe twice, and I think I need to quit sleeping in and get off my grumpy butt and walk in the mornings like I had been doing. Now is the moment. I have to get back on track before I start going backwards again. One day at a time.

A Headache in the Pelvis

I am learning slowly all about intercystial cystitus. I had my pitty party last week. I was in horrible pain. At times as high as a 9 on the 1-10 scale. I have gotten myself down to a 2-3. How you may ask? And in such a short time? Well, I can say it was quite the adventure. First thing I did was call my doctor crying. She immediatly prescribed me elmiron a blood thinner and Urelle an oral antiseptic. I did a bunch of reading and found out that no one had told me to change my diet. So I cut out all caffiene, chocolate, citrus, multi vitamin, spices, vitamin c, etc. Un-benounced to me it is not a good idea to cut out caffience cold turkey when you drink 5-10 servings a day and are being prescribed two new high powered medications. The result was acute caffiene withdrawel on top of my already present IC pain. I couldn't get out of bed, I was dizzy, blurried vision, crying fits, headache, you name it. I thought I was dying. I was thisclose to having sean drive me to the hospital. But by Monday of this week the pain and the weird symptoms went away. I also got off the high powered meds after researching them on my own and consulting with my doctor, after finding out they only work in 50% of patients and have side effects like bleeding, bruising and hair loss. As hard as I worked with my PCOS and my hormones to get my hair to grow back the last thing I want to do is take a drug that makes it fall out. This week from hell really made me re-evaluate my life. 65% of people with IC do not work, and I don't want to be in that 65%. I am truly humbled. I have a new found appreciation for my job, my life, heck even my health insurance. I ordered two books on IC I plan on reading in the up coming weeks. Also I must note that many doctors believe that PCOS, IC and Endometriosis are all inter related. My goal is to find the most holistic, non invasive, treatment that I can find to manage these three conditions. ( Although I don't have a 100% diagnosis on the endo, my dr. is convinced I have it) So I need to learn about that too. As a patient you have to take ownership of your own medical treatment. Sometimes doctors will forget to tell you some or assume someone already told you, like in my case no one told me to change my diet and when I did after a week my pain went from a 9 to a 2-3. I can live with a 2-3 and give up coffee, even chocolate. Sometimes in life you have to sacrifice, and humble youself. You can sit around feeling sorry for yourself, but it doesn't change your reality, and in most cases only makes it worse.

Courage is not the lack of fear, but action in the face of fear. .........The goal is not to be pain free, but to manage the pain well enough to live a happy and fullfilling life.