Progress

Weighed myself again today. Lost another pound. Feeling good. I didn't work out this past week, due to the fact that I am still getting used to the medications I am now taking. The Metformin really does ugly things to my stomach. I am hoping over time my body will adjust. I think about it like I am getting healthy from the inside out. I can try to fix the symptoms like I have always done, or I can take the medication necessary to fix the problem. As far as progress goes, I think I am doing pretty darn good. This is definitaly a slow process, but that is what I expected. Studies show the slower you make a change - like losing weight - the better a chance you have of sticking with the change. Time will fly by, it always does, and sooner than I expect I will see a signifigant change.

Food

I have never been one to get overly zealous when it comes to causes. However, Sean and I recently watched this movie Food, inc. and it really opened my eyes to the kind of foods we eat. I would definitaly reccomend the movie to everyone. A couple of things really got to me. First the fact that when fruits and vegtables are out of season companies simply spray them with chemicals like petroleom to get them to ripen. Also they give livestock hormones that make them grow faster than their bones and organs can keep up. These animals often cannot stand and live their short lives is horrible pain. Now I am not one to advocate vegatarianism, and I have no problem killing and eating animals, but there has to be a point where we don't eat animals that are tortured or pumped full of hormones. Lastly, I didn't realize how heavily our government subsidizes what are known as cash crops like corn and soy beans. You can actually buy corn cheaper than what is costs to produce. What this has done is cause so much of the junk food that we feed to ourselves and our children to be full of corn products like hugh fructose corn syrup. And, because these food are so cheap there is a direct correlation between income level and obesity. Why would a family buy broccoli for $2.50 when they can buy a bag of chips for less and feed more? Basically our governemtn is paying to support these corn farmers and in return we are paying for the side effects of a junk food nation with our tax dollars. More so, as a fiscal conservative, it makes no sense to me why we are even subsadizing these corn farmers. It should be a free market. The problem is these food corportation who run everything have gotten so big and have so many lobyists and donation dollars, there isn't going to be a change on the government level. What will have to happen is that everyday people need to start voting with their dollars. The movie had a great example of WallMart (don't worry I still hate WallMart for the way they exploit their workers). People started demanding organic food and dairy that did not contain HGH (human growth hormone) and WallMart listened. If WallMart will carry organic food than it can be done. Instead of fighting the big corporation or expecting the government o babysit us into health, we each need to take person responsibility for what we buy and what we eat. If everyone does their part, we can see a change.

Results

Well after one month of testing the results are back. I am happy to say it is nothing auto immune like we had feared, but simply what we started with - PCOS. However, there is a difference in this diagnosis than the last. When the reproductive endocrinologist diagnosed me about a year or so ago, I wasn't what you would call his ideal patient. I.E. I wasn't there to spend $50k trying to get pregnant. So he wrote me a prescription for hormones (birth control) and sent me on my merry way. Well things just got worse. When I sought help from my primary care dr. she was kind enough to look into it further. She must have ran every test in the book. I came back with an estrogen level of 10. Normal for my age is 200-400. They also found more cysts in my ovaries than they could count. This means that I do not ovulate and when I do want to have kids I will have to have fertility treatments. Also the stabbing pain I sometimes get in my abdomen is actually cysts that have ruptured. But, PCOS is a lot more than a woman issue. There is a very strong link between PCOS and diabetes. My sugar levels were at 116. Full blown diabetes starts at 126. The main treatment for this is a drug called Metformin. I will be taking this drug 2x per day. This drug has been shown to stop the painful cysts in the ovaries. It also bring down the blood sugar levels and can aide in weight loss. They actually don't know what causes the cysts or what causes the diabetes, it is kind of a medical mystery. All they know is that the two go hand in hand, and unless you get properly medicated it is a vicious cycle that just gets worse and worse. I also will now be taking a drug called Spironolactone 1x per day. This drug actually has a few uses - it is used as a diuretic to treat swelling and fluid retention in patients with congestive heart failure, liver cirrhosis, or kidney problems; it can be used for the treatment of high blood pressure; it treats low potassium; but, in my case it is going to be used to treate excess secretion of the hormone aldosteron (testosterone) by the adrenal gland. I don't actually have an overactive adrenal gland, but since my estrogen level is a 10 there is nothing to counter act the testosterone that my body does produce. This testosterone imbalance is what is causing my hair to fall out. I am really hoping that this helps and that I can get my hair to grow back, or at least stop falling out. Lastly I have been switched to a different pill Ortho- Cyclen. This birth control has no testosterone in it, that way I am only getting the estrogen that my body is not producing. The good news is that there were no signs of arthritis in my blood work, no signs of thyroid problems or anything else - all my organs other than my ovaries looked perfectly healthy. I did ask the dr. about my arthritis symptoms. The way she put it - my body thinks it is 70 years old. I feel like a post menopausal woman. Also, the dramatic and quick weight gain put a lot of strain on my joints. As I level out my hormones, and lose weight, coupled with standard arthritis treatments of exercise, weight loss, and pain pills, I should feel better. The dr. describes this process kind of like a train. At first we are just trying to apply the breaks. Once we get the train to stop we then work on reversing the train. But a train is heavy and it takes a lot of time and effort to get a train to stop. I am optimistic now that I have a 100% diagnosis and now a relatively aggressive treatment.

More About PCOS- Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) is one of the most common female endocrine disorders affecting approximately 5%-10% of women of reproductive age (12–45 years old) and is thought to be one of the leading causes of female infertility.

The principal features are obesity, anovulation (resulting in irregular menstruation) or amenorrhea, acne, and excessive amounts or effects of androgenic (masculinizing) hormones. The symptoms and severity of the syndrome vary greatly among women. While the causes are unknown, insulin resistance, diabetes, and obesity are all strongly correlated with PCOS.

Polycystic ovaries develop when the ovaries are stimulated to produce excessive amounts of male hormones (androgens), particularly testosterone, either through the release of excessive luteinizing hormone (LH) by the anterior pituitary gland or through high levels of insulin in the blood (hyperinsulinaemia) in women whose ovaries are sensitive to this stimulus.

The syndrome acquired its most widely used name due to the common sign on ultrasound examination of multiple (poly) ovarian cysts. These "cysts" are actually immature follicles, not cysts ("polyfollicular ovary syndrome" would have been a more accurate name). The follicles have developed from primordial follicles, but the development has stopped ("arrested") at an early antral stage due to the disturbed ovarian function. The follicles may be oriented along the ovarian periphery, appearing as a 'string of pearls' on ultrasound examination. The condition was first described in 1935 by Dr. Stein and Dr. Leventhal, hence its original name of Stein-Leventhal syndrome.

PCOS is characterized by a complex set of symptoms, and the cause cannot be determined for all patients. However, research to date suggests that insulin resistance could be a leading cause. PCOS may also have a genetic predisposition, and further research into this possibility is taking place. No specific gene has been identified, and it is thought that many genes could contribute to the development of PCOS.

A majority of patients with PCOS have insulin resistance and/or are obese. Their elevated insulin levels contribute to or cause the abnormalities seen in the hypothalamic-pituitary-ovarian axis that lead to PCOS.

Adipose tissue possesses aromatase, an enzyme that converts androstenedione to estrone and testosterone to estradiol. The excess of adipose tissue in obese patients creates the paradox of having both excess androgens (which are responsible for hirsutism and virilization) and estrogens (which inhibits FSH via negative feedback).^[18]

Also, hyperinsulinemia increases GnRH pulse frequency, LH over FSH dominance, increased ovarian androgen production, decreased follicular maturation, and decreased SHBG binding; all these steps lead to the development of PCOS. Insulin resistance is a common finding among patients of normal weight as well as those overweight patients.

PCOS may be associated with chronic inflammation, with several investigators correlating inflammatory mediators with anovulation and other PCOS symptoms

Women with PCOS are at risk for the following:

• Endometrial hyperplasia and endometrial cancer (cancer of the uterine lining) are possible, due to overaccumulation of uterine lining, and also lack of progesterone resulting in prolonged stimulation of uterine cells by estrogen. It is however unclear if this risk is directly due to the syndrome or from the associated obesity, hyperinsulinemia, and hyperandrogenism^{[38][39][40][41]}
• Insulin resistance/Type II diabetes. A review published in 2010 concluded that women with PCOS had an elevated prevalence of insulin resistance and type II diabetes, also when controlling for body mass index (BMI).^[42]
• High blood pressure
• Depression/Depression with Anxiety
• Dyslipidemia - disorders of lipid metabolism — cholesterol and triglycerides. PCOS patients show decreased removal of atherosclerosis-inducing remnants, seemingly independent on insulin resistance/Type II diabetes.^[43]
• Cardiovascular disease
• Strokes
• Weight gain
• Miscarriage^[1][2]
• Acanthosis nigricans (patches of darkened skin under the arms, in the groin area, on the back of the neck)
• Autoimmune thyroiditis ^[44]

The List

Earlier I challanged myself to come up with a list of 5 things I could do to be a better person and 5 things I could do to become a happier person. Here is the list.

To Become A Better Person

1. Be more firgiving and understanding
2. Volunteer
3. Donate
4. Conserve
5. Give off a more friendly first impression

To Become A Happier Person

1. Reward Myself
2. Find time for my music
3. Stop stressing about Sean finding/getting a job
4. Reconsiling with old friends
5. Losing weight


I think we should all try making a list of 5 things. It is a great way to take inventory of your life, so that you can guide yourself in the direction you want to go.

Update

I will be getting the rusults of all my lab work this Monday. What I am hoping is that they will find me some kind of explination as to why my hormone levels are so "out of whack" as Dr. Moreno says. Why my hair is falling out. Why I gained 80 lbs in 2 years. Why my joints hurt. Of course I don't want anything to be seriously wrong, but at the same time I hope they find some kind of explination. Ideally whatever it is will have a treatment. I feel like I cannot fully wage war if all I know are my symptoms, I need to know the cause. I am not going to get my hopes up too much, as I have been very dissapointed by dr.'s in the past, but I am cautiously optimistic.

Progress

Day 20. Week 3. I lost another pound! I am chugging along great. So far I have lost almost 5 lbs. Not bad at all in about 3 weeks. I have managed to cut out beer and wine. If I want a drink I will have a weak whiskey and diet coke with out caffiene tall. I think there is only about 50 calories in a shot of whiskey. I am also working very hard on dramatically cutting down on the volume of alcohol I intake. I did however have a margaritta on Thursday. You know whith my cheat meal of seafood chille realleno. Yes that would be the cheat meal where the girl decided to tell me how beautiful I was so I lost my appetite. Sigh. Only me. I had to go into work and we had a pot luck. So instead of setting myself up for disaster, I allowed myself to have a cheat day. I didn't over do it. There was no binging, but there was some awesome home made chocolate cake. That should hold be over for a while.

My goals for this week are pretty simple. I want to try not to cheat as much as possible. I hope to go on at least one hike this week. I also might try some yoga or pilates along with my water aroebics. Go me !

Beauty

Growing up you hear all kinds of sayings. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.


Yesterday the strangest thing happened to me. Sean and I decided to go out to dinner. We sat down, ordered our food, and were just sitting there talking. All of a suddon a young woman, about my age decent looking and dressed fashionably, walked up to our table. She says to me: "I know that you don't know me, and I don't want you to think this is rude of me. My husband already thinks I am crazy. But, I saw you walk in and I had to tell you that I think you have the most beautiful body. You have perfect porportions and you are not too skinny. Do you do something like work out?" Ok you should have seen my face. I sat there silent looking around the resteraunt for laughing kids, or someone who had put her up to this. But there wasn't any. All I could mutter was "actually I just recently gained 80 lbs, but thank you" Maybe I should have said " yes in order to get this body you must eat like a pig drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney" but I didn't. She smiled and apologized again if she had emberrassed me and returned to the table with her husband. I didn't know what to do. I thought about crying. I thought about leaving. I surely lost my apetite. I don't know why I had that reaction. I guess in all my self loathing, I have somehow convinced myself that I am such an abomination that to have a person tell me the complete opposite just throws my wolrd off of its axis. Even when I was skinny and in great shape, I never had a stranger come up to me like that.


I guess what I have realized is that beauty really is in the eye of a beholder. I talk a lot about perception. How everything is how you frame it in your mind. Two people can experience the same situation and tell two different stories. Now when I feel bad about myself, I will always remember that woman in the resteraunt. She covets what I have, even though I hate what I have. The women I see that I wish I could look like, very likely wish they looked different. Everyone wants what someone else has. Maybe part of the secret to happiness it to learn to love what you do have. Stop comparing yourself to someone else. Focus on yourself and achieving what is possible for you, and loving yourself every step along the way.

The Truth

I have been hiding in denial for about a year. I don't go out much. I avoid people from my past. I shun the camera like a 13th century palague. I think it is time to admit to myself the truth. I think that it is a very important step in the process of change to admit where you are starting from.

The Way Things Are

The Way Things Were

Ok. I don't condone dwelling on the way things were but I do think it is healthy to admit to yourself just how bad things have gotten. The difference in these photos is astounding. Also I see the photos as motivation as to what I can look like and how healthy I can be.

Photos From Our Hike

New Things To do

So I managed to work out twice yesterday. I was looking for things I could do that were different but also easy on my joints. The first thing I did was try water aroebics in my pool. Man I tell you kicking aroung on a paddle board is hard. My legs were burning. I am still coming up with a good routine, but I did find a web site with the basics.

http://www.ehow.com/videos-on_1799_basic-aqua-fitness-pool-workouts.html

I really enjoyed it. I set up my portable Bose Dock so I was able to blare my Ipod by the pool. It was nice to work out in the water because not only did it not hurt my joints, but it was refreshing.

Later we went to the new Phil Hardberger park off of 1604 and Blanco. We stopped by Jason's Deli on the way and ordered off the lite menu. Then we had a pic nic followed by a nice 3 mile hike. I will say that my knees did hurt, and next time I will probably take some extra Aleve an hour before. I also brought my camera and took some nice photos.

On a side note Sean has done great so far. He started eating healthy about 2 months before I started. What did it for him, was he went to the dr. for night sweats only to find out he was pre-diabetic and his cholesterol levels were at 300. So far he has gone from 240 to 222. It is so not fare how easy and quick it is for guys to lose weight, but I am still very happy for him and proud of him.

Now we are in this together. We are going to try and go to a city park once a week. We might even make trips to other parks in other cities like Landa Park in New Braunfels or Zilker park in Austin. We will pack a healthy lunch and then go for a hike and I can take pictures. Sean brought up that this is a great habit to pick up for when we have kids someday. I agree. I am also going to try and do the water aroebics 2-3 times per week. I want to work up to exercising 5 days a week. Change happens one day at a time.

Progress

After 2 weeks I have lost 4 lbs. That is better than I planned. I don't expect to lose more than 1 lb per week, and I know that you lose more weight in the begenning. So if the weight loss slows down I will not get discouraged. A steady lb per week is all I need to make me satisfied. I still need to work out. I have been doing a lot of cleaning and house work along with cleaning the pool and I took the dogs for a walk one day, but that really isn't enough. The problem is I have very low energy levels and my joints hurt. Honestly I prefer sleep over exercise. Who doesn't ? I am going to put in an effort to exercise more. I completely cleaned out the exercise room, so there is no excuse to not go in there and jump on the machine or lift some weights. Fun. Not. I used to love to exercise. What happened? I need to learn to love to exercise again !

5 Things

I am going to challange myself to come up with 5 things that I could do to be a better person. I also am going to try to come up with 5 things that would make me a happier person. I will post the list as soon as I finish it........

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
- Groucho Marx

Dr. Visit From Hell

i had to get an ultra sound on monday
it was horrible
i left in tears
they made me drink 32 oz of water
and then hold it for 1 hour
well it went over an hour
and I was in soooo much pain
so I tell the nurses I have to go to the bathroom
so they got all mad
and one of the nurses refers to me as
that little girl
to my husband
and then when i got in the room to do the ultra sound
the tech told me not to talk to her
it was un real
but I haven't gotten the results of the lab work
I am still waiting.
I might still have to do more blood work
but according to the dr they had me do the ultra sound b/c my hormone levels were way off

Progress

It has been about 2 weeks so far on this little journey. I have had both good days and bad days. I haven't really strayed much at all from the healthy eating plan. I did have some wine 3 nights of the past 2 weeks. Ideally I would like to stop drinking during this process, and if I choose to resume it would be in great moderation. I haven't gotten there yet. That is why this is a journey and a lifestyle not a crash diet. Change takes times. The slower the change the better chance you have of it lasting. If you build a house too quick and don't take the time to lay the proper foundations , the first heavy winds that come by will knock the house to the ground. I have been knocked to the ground many times in the past. Why do diets fail? The first time I lost a signifigant amount of weight I was 15. I think I went from 170 lbs to 125 lbs. It was great I was counting my calories 1500 per day along with exercise every day. Then one day on a cheerleading trip I caved and ordered a strawberry milkshake from McDonalds. It was over. I gained almost all the weight back within a few months. I guess life is filled with Strawberry Milkshakes. A stressfull day. A break up. Boredome. Whatever. I don't know why one strawberry milkshake or one bad day for that matter has the power to ruin months and months of hard work. I think in order to successfully lose weight and to stay healthy you have to learn recovery skills. If you have a bad day, the next day you start over. Same thing with life. If you have a horrible break up, you don't give up men all together and join a convent (although the thought had crossed my mind a few times). No you give yourself some time to heal and then you get right back out there. If you get fired from a job you don't move back in with your parents until you are 50. No you find a new job. Bad things in life happen. There is no avoiding that, but it is how quickly you get up and how much stronger you stand afterwards that really matters. This time I don't expect perfection out of myself. I just expect change.

Frustration

Life is filled with ups and downs. You have good days and you have bad days. I tell myself we need the bad days to appreciate the good ones. Life challanges us. It is hard to controll your emotions. How do you break a habit you have had your whole life ? I don't know the answer to this, I guess I am still trying to figure it out. It helps when I remind myself that "anger is just hurting on purpose". When people are rude to me, or if something happens that isn't "fair", it is so easy to get eaten up inside. But, really, that person or that situation didn't hurt you -- you chose to hurt. You chose to be angry. And, I guess, unless you plan on doing something about it, there is no point in sitting around sulking. If you can't change it - let it go. I tell myself to put it in perspective. Is it really the end of the world? Is is really even a big deal? I don't even remember 99% of the things I have cried over in my life. I guess they weren't really that important. All that matters is that you learn from your experiences in life. If someone hurts you - you can't change them - so you either stop letting what they say or do get to you or if you can't you remove them from you life. What is the defination of stupidity? - "Trying the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome". Change.

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure it to try and please everybody." - Bill Cosby

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them."
George Bernard Shaw

Action

There is a very simple rule in life - you cannot get what you do not ask for. You can wish. You can hope. You can light a candle, hold your breath, and even stand on you head. You can sit back and watch your life like a movie waiting for the good part, and every once in a while, you might get some good action scenes - maybe a little romance, but you are still just a member of the audience when you should be the main character and the director. There are 2 kinds of people in this world: Those who let life happen and those who make life happen. I want to make my life happen.

yummy

Today's lunch was a chicken salad.

1 grilled chicken breast cut up over a bed of baby spinach and romaine with cut up cucumber and tomato topped with a sprinkiling of flax seeds and Newman's Own light tomato vinagarrette.

Karma

I have this very strange habit, and I am really not sure where I picked it up. But, I like to buy lottery tickets in hopes that I will lose. My thinking is every time you lose it uses up some of your bad luck and karma and leaves better karma for more important things -- like your life.
Probably not what Bhuda had in mind, but its my own version.

People have all different kinds of superstitions and opinions. I have heard that bad things come in 3's. (but I have also heard that celebreties die in 3's so I think that knocks some vailidity off there) When it rains it pours. You get what you give. So basically we are all a little bit Bhuddist. Just kidding.


I do though strongly believe that your life is a direct result of your own actions and thinking. The attitude you have and the perceptions you make are just about as important as the choices you make. And, of course, it goes both ways. I see people (not unlike myself) who constantly go on and on about how un-fair life has been to them. How they can't catch a break. Or, they can't figure out why their relationship is going no-where when they want more so bad. Perhaps, really , life isn't that un-fair ....perhaps we just see it that way. And maybe, if we brought more positive choices and thinking into our lives we would see more positive outcomes. What is that corny BeeGee's song lyric - "if you give a little more than your asking for your love with turn the key " Ha Ha sadly that grossly high fallsetto voice does speak the truth. We aren't going to get from the world more than we put in. As soon as we realize that, and change our thinking, the world will respond.


So I decided to make this change and it is more than just losing some weight. It is about the journey to try and become a better person. Already I have seen positive things happen in my life for really no obvious reason, and I can only believe it must be karma. In fact I got a call on my day off from work, from my manager, saying I was getting a promotion at work. How awesome is that ? I am so thankfull. When your attitude changes, the world around you changes.

Day 5

mmmmm..... whole grain cream of wheat ........

And as I am eating this cream of wheat I looked up some nice quotes about change .......


"Be the change you wish to see in the world" - Ghandi

"Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become "

"Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine." - Robert Gallagher

"Any change, even change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomfort." -Arnold Bennett

“We cannot change our past. We can not change the fact that people act in a certain way. We can not change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude." - Charles Swindoll

"Things do not change. We change." - Henry David Thoreau

"Other things may change us, but we start and end with family." - Anthony Brandt

"Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely."

"Change is the only constant"

Goal #1

According to everything I am reading, in order to achieve change you must first make a goal. More so, you must define the goal specifically and it must be measurable. Also you must make a plan with steps to follow and incremental evaluations to follow your progress.

ok so here goes......

Goal # 1

To lose 50 lbs by my next birthday July 4th.

Incremental evaluations:

1 weigh in each week on Sundays with incremental goal of losing 1 lb per week.

Motivation : to be healthier.

Plan: clean eating. Little to No red meat - just fish or chicken. Little to no processed carbs. Lots of fruits and vegitables. Little to no fast food. Cook meals fresh daily. Lots of lean protein, beans, fruits, and vegitables. Eat when you are hungry, don't starve yourself, but also be concious of portion sizes. Very basic. Also - Exercise. (gradually work up as your body allows)

Passive - Aggressive - Assertive

I am taking this skill soft class at work entitled "Professional Assertiveness" and it is all about being a more productive member of the work force by being a better listener and also learning how to give constructive critisism. There are three types of individuals Passive, Aggressive and Assertive. The goal being to be assertive. I guess I always considered being assertive as best being described as standing up for one's self. I wasn't 100% sure so I looked it up.

as·ser·tive
Inclined to bold or confident assertion; aggressively self-assured
1. confident and direct in claiming one's rights or putting forward one's views
2. given to making assertions or bold demands; dogmatic or aggressive

In being an assertive person you must do 3 things ....

1. Act supportingly
2. Act proactively
3. Act fairly

I think I am good at acting proactively and fairly, but need the most work on acting supportingly. I've always had the kind of mentality that if it isn't getting done the way I want it or if I think I can do something faster or better, I tend to just do it myself. But really, in doing that I am not truly helping the person I am trying to help. Instead, I am doing it for them and they are not learning or growing. In the end, I end up doing it because I am too impatient to let them try and learn.

Now when it comes to contructive critisism I am the worst. I hate getting critisism and I hate giving critisism. Well at least out loud. I am not much for confrontation. I think in order to be able to give contructive critisism and be more assertive, I need to first learn how to take it. If you look at it more from an angle of respect, that it is hard for a person to confront you to tell you something with good intentions, then maybe it will be more easy to accept.


I think that all of this really does go beyond the workplace. Being more assertive and less aggressice and/or passive should be the goal overall, not just the workplace. Listening to family and friends - supporting them. Offering constructive critisism when it is asked for and usefull. Being honest and fair. Standing up for yourself, not enabeling anyone you love or care for to continue in any kind of path of self destruction. There is a whole lot to being a better person, but I think this is good information. Thanks skill soft. =)

Waiting

I have never been good at the waiting game - you know that thing known as patience. Not one of my virtues. Maybe God said "I will make her a really good singer, but to balance her out I will make her grumpy and impatient". I don't know. So my last dr. appointment was June 21st. Granted there was a holiday in the middle there, I would really like to hear something back from my lab work. I have called twice. Each time the nice lady on the end of the line say the dr. is reviewing the results and will get back to me. Ok. I can respect needing time to properly review and research. I can only assume that if something were really wrong they would have called me by now, so I will be optimistic. I must remember I have been seeing doctors for 6 years about the same thing, and no one yet has put a finger on it. Extreme weight gains, hair loss, the estrogen levels of a 90 year old, weakness, depression, increasing joint pain, and stomoch pains are my main symptoms.

So far after 3 days of healthy eating I must say that I do have a noticeable increase in energy. However, today my stomach is really bothering me. It is like a slow burn in my gut. It could have been the coffee I had this morning, I am not sure. I do have Gastritus. Who knows.


So I wait. wait. wait. wait. wait............

When Do We Choose To Be Happy ?

What is the secret to happiness? Is it money?Is it love? Is it adventure? I think the secret to happiness it choosing to be happy no matter what you have or life gives you. Case in point. I can remember back so many times, when I was younger and man do I ever wish I was as thin as I was when I thought I was fat. Picture a size 4 128 lb girl 20 years old buying slim fast at the grocery store. I remember this lady behind me took it upon herself to tell me that I didn't need to diet that I looked great. I can remember appreciating the compliment, but of course I still bought the slim fast. She was older and wiser and I should have listenend to her, but what 20 year old listens to anyone. See happyness is relative. It isn't contigent upon an exact set of circumstances. One person could be very happy making $30k per year while another person is miserable and in debt making $100k per year. Trust me I take loan application all day - I know ! I don't want to be that person making $100k per year wishing I made more. If only I got a raise. If only I got a promotion. How happy I would be ! Of course until I got there and then I would spend more borrow more and appreciate less. Life is like that. If you don't stay concious you stop appreciate what you do have. You start putting pressure on yourself to get more to be more, and you become less and less content with the more you get. But it doesn't have to be that way. How ? Just learn to appreciate what you have. Take inventory of your life, all that you have achieved and all of your positive aspects. Stop for a while with the goals and the coveting and just enjoy what you have. We come into this world with nothing and we leave the same way - so what is the point ? Just be happy. Wake up every morning and make the choice to be happy! You will find the more content you are, the less you covet, the more good things come your way.

Good Soup

Man I bought these Wolfgang Puck soups at Sun Harvest and man they are good. They are organic and they have so much flavor. However I will note that they have more calories than your standard Cambpell's Chicken and Noodle - about 300 va 160. So these really do count as a meal - but they are so good ! A bit pricey but really good. http://www.wolfgangpucksoup.com/


Last night I tried to make sweet potato fries, but I over seasoned them. But I did find that if you sprinkle them lightly with salt and sugar it is really good. Somehow I added to much spice.

yummy

Bought these chip like things at Sun Harvest and they are so good. They are called Food Should Taste Good and they are Cheddar tortilla chips made with Luinoa Soy Flax Sunflower and Sesame Seens Oat Fiber and Brown Rice and they have 3 grams fo fiber pers ervicng 0 sugar and are delish!!!!!


http://www.foodshouldtastegood.com/#/cheddar/

Day Two

I don't have anything profound to say today. Today my stomach hurts as does my back and my joints. It has been 2 weeks since I went to see the dr. and I am still waiting on all the lab results. I called last Thursday and they said she was still reviewing them but I would need to come back in for more blood work. I am starting to think I might now have an easy answer any time soon. Yesterday I made a huge pot of beans, grilled a bunch of chicken and made brown rice. I have decided I am not much of a fan of brown rice. My old music teacher from highschool recommended I cook it in chicken broth to add flavor, so I will try that next time. Working out is going to be hard, because of the constant pain I am in. Lately it has been my right knee and my left wrist. I am still sturggling if I want to take the dr. up on the pain meds she offered. I don't desire to numb the pain I want to fix it, but I don't know how long that will take.


I am also trying to be more aware of how I react to people. I have noticed that I often times get much more upset than I should over little things. I am trying to make a concious effort to let the little things go. Now that doesn't just mean not reacting negatively, but also not letting them bug me. When I begin to have a thought that is not productive I simply say stop. Keep saying stop until the thought goes away. See we really can controll our own emotions. We are not a by-product of our enviroment -- we have controll and can choose to be happy.


well my lunch break is almost over .........

Change

There really isn't anything special about turning 27, but for whatever reason I have decided this will be my year of change. There really isn't one particular thing I want to change, but rather I see change as an all encompasing effort to become a better person. Change starts from within yourself. Obviously you have to be unhappy with something or maybe just unhappy in general, but there is something inside yourself that recognizes that things could be better. I think the biggest mistake people make when they want to change is looking around themselves for their reason. They want to change to impress someone or some people. They think their problems are a direct result of the people around them. Or they think they got dealt a short hand in life. Really, change is recognizing in yourself that you yourself need to fix something. Maybe it is the way you perceive your life or the people around you. Maybe it is simply making better choices. I know one of the biggest things I need to change is my ability to forgive. That includes not only those people I hold petty grudges against, but also to forgive myself. Life is too short to hurt on purpose. And really that is all anger is - hurting on purpose. I need to focus on cultivating the positive things in my life. My talents my abilities won't grow unless I tend to them. Sometimes I think the scariest thing in life is taking a chance on a dream. What if I fail or worse what if I succeed ? What will happen? I think often people get complacent in trying half ass, because it is safe. You get used to not discovering your full potential and failure becomes the norm. I know that I am sick, but I can't stop living my life just because some doctors are taking longer than I would like to diagnose me. I have seen my hair loss and weight gain as a reason to hide from the world. How pathetic that is! No matter what kind of cards you have been dealt in life you should appreciate every moment even if they are not under the circumstances you would like. Change can happen. I will make this change happen.