Anger

Anger is bad. Anger is bad for your health. I spend way too much time being angry, which stems from the fact that I am a pretty darn sensitive person. Sometimes I am grateful for being a person who feels things so strongly, and sometimes I wish very hard that I didn't feel the emotions I do. I am working very hard to change that. I have been practicing and reading all about Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (my therapist says it's just cognitive therapy with a bunch of catchy new terms- I however find it very useful) It teaches mindfulness and the art of emotion regulation. When I get angry, I can literally feel it in my body. For instance my interstitial cystitis will start acting up and I end up either in bed in pain and/or going to the bathroom every 15 minutes. My urologist actually told me," the greatest thing you can do for your IC pain is to relax" - and of course not consume anything acidic. When I get angry my neck and back tenses up. If I get angry bad enough, I get a huge lump in my throat and an sick feeling in my stomach - which usually ends with me crying it away. I love the phrase that "being angry is like letting someone live rent free in your head."or "drinking poison hoping the other person will die". I couldn't agree more. There is a fine balance in life between just letting things go and being respectfully assertive. You don't want to be a door mat and at the same time you don't want to lash out in anger and possibly do or say things you can't take back. The art of communicating your feelings, without starting WWIII, is a fine art indeed. I am learning. I may make some mistakes along the way, but I learn each time I try. Here are some healthy alternatives and distractions I have found useful when I feel overwhelmed.

•  a hot bubble bath
• .a nice long walk
• .working out
• .reading 
• taking a nap
• calling a friend to talk 
• writing a letter I never send
• meditation
•  yoga 
• listening to my favorite music
•  a hot cup of herbal tea
• playing with my dogs 
• cleaning the house 
• walking away from a situation to take a few quiet moments alone 

The best thing to do, is to first breath and relax, and then find a healthy distraction like the one above. Once you have calmed down, then you can make a plan for your anger and finding out what your anger truly stems from - usually hurt or fear. Then you can deal with the real underlying emotion. Usually you will find that after taking the time to digress the thing that made you so angry is no longer such a hot button. The most important thing to remember, is that anger is YOUR response- no one "makes" you angry - therefor you have the ability to control your emotions and your actions.

Exercise for PCOS and Weight Loss

So I have talked a lot about diet, but I know I also need to get to working out. Yes I admit I have lost 38 lbs without working out. Of course I highly recommend working out, but I have been battling hypersomnia and lack of energy. Funny is that working out will help cure that! Right now I am relying on Adderal to get me up and out of bed and moving. (not recommended unless medically necessary) I have made huge strides with my hypersomnia over the past 3-6 months. First I had to realize I had a problem. I was sleeping from 3 am to 8 pm. I had a hard time getting out of bed. I could barely go grocery shopping - it was that exhausting. But slowly I have become more and more active. I don't sleep more than 10 hours a night. I get outside. I garden. I go shopping. I clean the house. I do things.  My goal is to start working out to gain natural energy so I can get off of the prescription meds. So my big goal before I start my new job August 19th is to get moving!

I also want to look good for my wedding. I really want to work on toning my arms and my back, since this is a strapless dress. I much prefer a little muscle on a girl, much more than I find skinny girls attractive. 20 weeks, I should be able to get some body sculpting done. I was a competitive power-lifter in high school and college. I know how to work out. I just need to do it! I actually have a home gym. We call it "the room no one ever goes in". To start I am doing DDP Yoga and Zumba. I also plan on doing free weights to work on toning my arms and back. I got lucky, at my old job, they would give us $500 a year to buy exercise equipment, so I bought an elliptical and a treadmill, a boxing bag, and tons of free weights and benches - plus there is a TV in there with a DVD player to do videos. It is an awesome home gym, if only it got used more. 

I used to be such an athlete. In high school I would wake up every morning at 5 am and do Tae Bo. (my all time favorite work out). Then I would have gymnastics 2-3 times a week. Cheer practice 3-4 times per week. Then for a year I did powerlifting 5 days a week. I even got into running, and would run 2 miles in my hilly neighborhood a few time a week. When I didn't run, I loved to go for long walks and just listen to music and zone out. I weighed 125 lbs. I could bench my weight. I was proud of that. As a girl that is quite the accomplishment. We just don't have the upper body strength that men do. 

After high school, working out became less about being athletic and more about looking good. I became a gym rat. When I wasn't working out at home, or going for long walks, you would find me at the gym. I love to lift weights. Absolutely love it. 

It was when I started my last job that I stopped working out. I was always a waitress. That meant long shifts on your feet carrying heavy ass trays. It was a work out in and of itself. Somehow I had more energy. I could work all day and go out and stay up all night. When I got my cubicle job, I was sitting for 8 hours a day. At first it was awesome, but I slowly starting gaining more and more weight. I had less and less energy. I didn't even have the energy to work out. If a physical labor job didn't hurt my neck and back the way waiting tables did, and it paid what a desk job pays, I would do it in a heart beat. 

When you think about it, cave men were constantly on the go. Hunting, gathering, whatever. (only took one anthropology course in college so don't beat me if my facts aren't perfect) Humans aren't meant to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day and then drive through pick up their dinner and park their pre-diebetic butts on the couch for four hours watching TV - only to repeat the same pattern over and over. This combined with our love affair with processed carbs is why I think we have an obesity epidemic in America. But hey, we aren't the fattest country in the world anymore. Now that honor goes to Mexico. Sorry Mexico. I looooooove your food, I just can't eat it. 

Not that America isn't much better.....

So one of the best quotes I ever heard about exercise came from, of all places, Richard Simmons. Yes that Richard Simmons.....

You are welcome for that photo. Just try and get that out of your head. But, for all his glitter and flash, he really helps a lot of people. He said "IF YOU LOSE WEIGHT WITHOUT EXERCISE, YOU WILL JUST BE A SMALLER VERSION OF YOUR FLABBY SELF". 

I have heard that diet is probably 70-90% of losing weight, but exercise is they key to truly changing your body. And for those of us with PCOS we know that exercise is key in regulating blood sugar and insulin levels - which is the key to unlocking freedom from the PCOS nightmare. 

Here are some interesting articles and videos about exercise:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tk8bIKdMFVw

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3289164/

http://www.pcosdietsupport.com/exercise/pcos-and-exercise/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/08/19/exercise-tips-15-unusual-ways-to-improve-your-workout.html

http://www.everydayhealth.com/health-report/heart-healthy-living/exercise-facts.aspx

Now go work out !!!

Treating PCOS with Diet and Exercise ⎢Daily Dose With Jillian Michaels |...

My Wedding And Fitting Into My Dress

I always knew I wanted a non traditional wedding. Most little girls dream about their weddings. I never did. So when my now common law husband asked me to marry him 4 years ago on Christmas Eve, I was ecstatic. I cried tears of joy. But, I was in no hurry to plan a wedding. I find "events" very stressful, and while I can handle a lot of stress, when it comes to stress about "happy things" I just seem to have a defective button. For instance, I could get yelled at my a customer for an hour and it would just roll off my back, but me trying to plan and go through with my own birthday party requires at least 3 melt downs.

Me after the proposal....

 Sean and I had set a date a couple of times, we even went as far as booking a hall, but it just didn't work out. Sean kept getting sick. Our wedding money was spent 100 times over on medical and hospital bills. Also we were legally common law married, so there just never seemed to be that motivating thing to have a wedding. I knew I really wanted a wedding, but I was far too concerned with it living up to lofty expectations and failing. I needed to take a leap of faith.

 That all changed for me when my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. I realized that I very much wanted a wedding, and I can't wait to change my last name. But, more than anything, the thought of having a wedding and my mother not being there was not okay with me. Like, if my mother passed I would probably not ever have a wedding. She has always talked to fondly about her wedding. Even though she and my father were together, like Sean and I, for many many years - it meant the world to her to say vows in front of the people she loved. There is something significant about that public display of commitment that I completely respect. It was that final push that made me realize that I was putting off something I really really wanted for very selfish and insecure reasons.

My parents wedding....

Of course planning a wedding when you and your parents are broke is quite interesting. However, I found that it has been kind of fun. Not spending $20k on one day took a lot of pressure off. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE PERFECT, IT JUST HAS TO BE. So we went small. We found a venue, a historic honky tonk , with everything I wanted in a venue : charm, an old stage, a wooden dance floor, Christmas lights hung from old wood beams, and character to boot. And it only cost $600. It even comes with a second modern building for prep or dining or whatever you want to use it for. Here are some wonderful pictures....

Guests will be transported to a different time. It will be the folksy wedding of my dreams. The nice thing about not dreaming about a wedding when you are a child, is that you have no grandiose expectations. We plan to take our vows on the dance stage. Sean is agnostic, and while I am religious, it doesn't matter to me at all whether we get married in a church or not. I believe God is all around us. That stage will be my church on that special day. 

The plan is pretty simple. People will arrive, be shown their seats, and encouraged to grab a drink and a small plate of appitizers. Then after about 45 mins to an hour Sean and I will take out places on the stage to say our vows, while our guests sit comfortably at their tables. After the ceremony, we will have BBQ and philipino food cooked by Sean's step-mother. We will have a full band. Towards the end of the night we are going to have about an hour of karaoke. We have been blessed with people helping so far. Sean's good friend is providing us with an ice cream bar of galato as our gift. My aunt is going to arrange the flowers, which will be simple roses in glass vases. I worked at this very fancy wedding destination called the Vineyards, and I learned a lot about weddings. I learned that the owner's wife bought the flowers from Sam's and then arranged them herself and made a killing off of it. So all our flowers will come from Sam's and my aunt will arrange them. The only things I am still looking into is a photographer and possibly a photo booth. I just love those old time photo booths. We will provide beer, wine and champagne - while guests are welcome to bring their own bottle if they want anything harder. It is going to be very laid back, very non traditional and hopefully a wonderful night. 

The first thing I did, when I decided no more excuses, was to buy the dress of my dreams. It was a $600 designer pink lace dress that I fell in love with the moment I saw it. Even better I got a deal and only paid $360 after taxes and shipping for the dress. What kind of shoes do I plan to wear might you ask? Crocs! LOL Crocs has a whole line of super comfy dress shoes and I found the perfect white wedge heel. Here is my dress.....

I knew when I bought the dress it would not fit. Designers just don't make clothes for big girls. And that is okay. It has been hanging in my closet for me to see every day to motivate me. So far I have lost 38 lbs!!! I would say that it is working. TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME I GOT THE GUTS TO TRY IT ON. It almost fits. First I am proud to report that my breasts actually fit into the top. That was my #1 concern. But I have lost something like 6 inches from my chest and it has really helped. The only issue is the satin slip built in underneath is getting caught on my hips. I think 20 lbs and this dress should fit just right. I have 20 weeks until out wedding on December first. If I just lose 1 lb per week, I should be fine. My hope is that I can kick it into high gear and lose up to 2 lbs per week and lose 20-40 lbs more before the wedding. Nothing motivates a girl more than the thought of photos that will last a lifetime. Plus, since I got the dress at such a bargain, if the big day comes and it doesn't fit I will just buy another dress. I have already mentally prepared myself for that. Worse case scenario I have a gorgeous designer silk dress to wear later when I do lose enough weight. 

The goal is in sight. I am making fantastic progress. I truly hope this day is a wonderful one, that I can share with the people I love. 

Status Update: Casey 38 PCOS 95

I've been keeping track on my weight loss and my battle with PCOS. As of right now the score is Casey 38 pounds lost and PCOS 95 pounds to go until I reach my normal healthy weight. I am getting there. It was Casey 0 PCOS 133. Yes in a matter of only a couple of years I let my PCOS get so out of control I gained 133 lbs. Crap, I used to weigh 133 lbs just 7 years ago. In this case, two Casey's is not better than one. But as of today it is Casey 38 and counting! My wedding is roughly 20 weeks away. My intermittent goal is to lose another 20-40 lbs in the next 20 weeks. It is always important to keep the BIG GOAL in the back of your head, but smart to keep small achievable goals along the way.

 To me, every single pound is a milestone. Every day I eat healthy and exercise is a milestone - a reason to celebrate. If all you focus on is "the big picture" it will seem so far away it will be hard to stay motivated. Would I kill to be back down to 150 lbs wearing a size 8, um yeah - duh! But I don't judge my success on simply reaching that one goal. Getting down to 245 is awesome. I never thought I would say that I am ecstatic to be down to 245, but when you weighed 283 - 245 IS awesome!

In a very strange way, I am grateful for this horrible experience. Never again will I take for granted being a normal size. If you wear anything smaller than a size 14, and you want to complain about being fat, then you need to balloon up to a size 22 and learn to shut your winy mouth up! You're happiness with your body is completely relevant on your perception and experience. You don't have to be miserable and feel fat or ugly at any size. You can choose to be confident in who you are and how you look. It is completely up to you. If I wake up in a bad mood and choose to feel fat or ugly that is my problem and mine alone. Same goes for you. So be grateful for the body you have and treat it right! The biggest lessons I have learned from my battle with PCOS is gratitude and acceptance. Try it, it does a body good.

Getting Back on The Diet After Vacation

Well we got back from Las Vegas on Friday. We had a wonderful time. We went for the shows and for The Food. Somehow I only managed to gain 3 lbs. Not bad! This is why I believe in cheat days. It is unrealistic to imagine staying on a diet every day. If you do that, when you do cheat - which you will, then you will freak out and binge eat and before you know it a few months will have gone by and you will have gained back all the weight and then some. Been there, done that. So I let myself have a cheat day once a week. This way every week I practice falling off and getting back on the wagon. Eating healthy 85.71% of the time is something I can do forever, as a lifestyle. 100%, um no. Here is some of the wonderful food I enjoyed while on vacation....

The Buffet at Aria....

Room service at 4 a.m.....

A-mazing steak and lobster at Brand at the Monte Carlo.....

Unbelievable Sushi at MGM....

And finally on my birthday The 4th of July a 4-course meal at The Stratosphere.....

So how did I eat all this and only gain 3 lbs? MODERATION. When you are going to cheat the key is to cheat in moderation. I was able to enjoy some of the best food I have eaten in my life, without ruining my diet and weight loss. Also if you can steer clean of high calorie beverages when you cheat that helps a lot. I don't know about you, but I would rather eat my calories than drink them. 

Upon returning home we had a birthday dinner with the family and yes there was a chocolate cake. If it is your birthday- EAT THE DAMN CAKE!!! Then Monday it was right back on the wagon. Before we left for vacation we completely cleaned out the fridge. When we got back we headed to Sam's and the grocery store and re-filled the fridge and pantry with healthy food. Last night we had a lovely stuffed salmon filet with peas and wild rice pilaf. Yummy! I think that is my favorite meal. 

So to sum it up. Cheat days and/or cheat meals are, in my opinion, an important part of a healthy lifestyle, because they teach you how to get right back on the wagon. This allows for you to go on vacation, have a cheat week, eat birthday cake and not ruin your diet. Viva Las Vegas ! 

Amazing Video About Weight and Insulin Resistance

This video is truly amazing. What touches me most about the video is how he talks about how he was "doing everything right". Like him, and many women with PCOS, I worked out daily and I spent 90% of my time on a diet. Yet I couldn't stop gaining weight. I went to doctors, in fact I went to a freaking endocrinologist, who told me I just needed to lose weight. What Dr. Attia is saying here is what I believe to be the truth. In America we have an epidemic far greater than obesity, we have an epidemic of insulin resistance that is causing people not just to be overweight and obese but to have serious life threatening and life altering sub-diseases. For me the key is eating low-glycemic and exercising. And not just low-glycemic to lose weight, I plan to eat low-glycemic forever. Because once I do lose this weight I want to keep my insulin regulated and my hormones at healthy levels. That old myth that a calorie is a calorie is WRONG. Just look at us. We are fat. We are sick. And we don't know why. I hope the medical profession keeps going in this direction. Let's treat the cause and not the effect. Let's prevent this from happening to future generations. Imagine the money that would be saved from insulin resistance/ obesity related medical claims. Imagine the quality of life that would improve! Just imagine.