Today marks' the 100th day of my most recent adventure in change. I find my biggest challange is acceptance. I find that I am angry most of the time, and I realize this anger comes from fear and this fear is my fear of losing control. See contrary to how I would have it, I just can't fix everything. So, when my husband or I get sick, or if we have financial issues, or if a crazy relative decides to be themselves or whatever the trigger I just loose it inside. I pray every day for God to teach me acceptance. There are things I can change and there are things I can't change, and its up to God to help me accept the things I cannot change. I have accomplished a lot in 100 days. I have lost over 20 lbs. I have given up alcohol, ciggarettes, chocolate, caffiene, tomato products, citrus, most fruit, vitamin c, artificial sweeteners, and sodas. Sometimes I get angry that I had to give up those things. For instance fruit. Fruit is supposed to be good for you, but not when you have Intercystial Cystitus. Anything harsh you eat or drink can cause what are called flare up in your bladder and pelvic floor muscles. Same thing with having PCOS. I take metformin, therfor I can't drink and I can't eat high fat foods without feeling sick to my stomach. These things that make me angry, these things that are out of my control, I must learn to let go.
"And acceptance was the answer to all of my problems today. When I am distrubed it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly as it is supposed to be at that moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake.I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in this world as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes."
Sometimes I have to read that quote over and over again until I calm down. You can't just reverse 28 years of thinking in 100 days. I will never know why God created me the way I am with the illnessess I have, but I can only trust that I was meant to be this way. For some reason, or no reason, I was meant to be this way. I can change only what I can change, and the things beyond my control I must accept and let go. When it comes to your health I say be your own advocate. Fight for answers. Do everything you can in your life to make things better, by no means do I think we should give up and give in. But, what I am saying, is that in order remain sane in this really chaotic world, which likes to throw things at us daily to deal with, we have to accept that we cannot control everything. Somethings just are, and will be, and all you can do is build your life arround them.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
About 3-4 weeks ago I had a really terrible week. I was in awful pain an I pretty much layed in bed all that week. Basically I had a little pitty party for myself. I lost 4 lbs that week, because I pretty much didn't eat anything. When I got to feeling better the next week, I somehow stopped working out and started eating lots of carbs after work. Now mind you I have given up alcohol, ciggarettes, caffiene, chocolate, spicy foods, sodas, carbonation, artificial sweeteners. Basically I'm a nun. I've even given up shopping, as I realized I was using shopping to make me feel better. So I find myself craving carbs like you would not believe. My biggest enemy right now is blue bell ice cream of the homemade vanilla variety. It's a love hate relationship. I love him my scale hates him. I don't want to break up forever with Mr. Blue Bell but I know I've got to stop buying a pint after work or before you know it all that hard work to lose almost 25 lbs so far will go down the drain. It was this time exactly last year that I started slacking and before you know it I regained the weight I had lost an then some. PCOS is tricky that way - very hard to lose weight very easy to gain weight. It's not fair but crying about it won't change it (I tried that) so you just have to deal with it. So the first thing I need to do is set a limit. I think me and Mr Bluebell should only get together once a week maybe twice, and I think I need to quit sleeping in and get off my grumpy butt and walk in the mornings like I had been doing. Now is the moment. I have to get back on track before I start going backwards again. One day at a time.