Friday, February 10, 2012

The Weight of Weight

Well it happened again. I blinked twice and put on 15 lbs. I ran out of my Metformin around the holidays and my doctor had fallen and hurt her neck, so it took a month and a half to get it refilled. At first I was fine. I kept weighing myself and I wasn't gaining. Then one day I went to the dr. and I had gained 5 lbs. Then a week later a few more lbs. My doctor calls it the PCOS freight train. Once my hormones get out of wack I go into metabolic sydrome and start putting on weight like nobody's business. First you have to put the brakes on the train. Which finally last week I dropped 2 lbs, which means the brakes have been applied. Then you can start loosing weight again. After I stopped drinking in July I lost 25 lbs very easily. But, after about 4 months I started to eat a lot of junk and was down to only 1 metformin a day. As of today I have been back on 2 metformin a day for the past 2 weeks. And yes, I got to enjoy all the lovely side effects. Today is the first day I didn't wake up with an upset stomach. There were days I felt like throwing up all day. Days I spent hours in the restroom. It's not pretty but its real. PCOS is real. And, no matter how hard you try, when you gain the weight back that you lost it always sucks. On top of that, you gain it so quickly it comes on so fast. You wake up one day and go oh shit I gained 15 lbs. You know its been about 4 years since I have been a good healthy weight. I have been trying for the past 4 years to lose this weight. It is an emotional and physical burden. It not only hurts my health, but it effects how I feel about myself. I have pretty much my whole life ranged between a size 4 and a size 10. Now I wear a size 16 and frankly its weird. I look in the mirror and I still don't recognize the person staring back at me. I pretty much live in t-shirts and sweat pants. I wanted so badly to have a the big wedding Sean and I never got, but I refuse to plan a wedding like this. Talk to me when I am a size 10 and then maybe we can start planning. I know that sounds so superficial, but its just how I feel and what I want. Yes, health and having a family someday are my main concerns, but I also want to feel good about myself. There is an emotional weight to weight. It can't be measured in lbs are dress sizes, but in feelings and insecurities. Either I am going to have to lose this weight, or I need to accept myself just the way I am. Something in me keeps telling me "don't give up". So I keep getting knocked down, and I keep getting back up. So let's do this. It's just another round in my fight with PCOS.

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