Saturday, July 23, 2011

Hard Climb Back Up The Mountain

"I took my love and I took it down, I climbed a mountain and I turned around, and I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills, well the landslide brought me down" - Stevie Knicks

I know obviously "Landslide" is a song about love, but we can also get our own messages out of songs that the author never intended. That's one of the beautiful things about music and art, we the receiver can perceive however we please. I thought over a year ago July 4th 2010 when I started this blog, that I was going to climb that mountain. And when I got to the top I was going to do a couple of back flips and then throw a huge party. I did well. I worked my ass off for months losing almost 20 lbs (which for a person with PCOS is no small feat). I thought I was climbing that mountain. But, then I started loosing sight of the goal. The stress of life began to overwhelm me. My drinking got out of control. I chose to drink rather than to take the Metformin, the very medication that was helping me get better. I maintained my weight loss for many months. And, I lied to myself that I would pick it back up next week. When I would try and take the medication again, I would get sick as a dog. The thing about Metformin is that you can't stop and start it. You've got to stay on it. And you sure as hell shouldn't drink. It says so right on the label in BIG BOLD LETTERS. But an addict can rationalize anything in their minds. Make and excuse. Find a way around. Drinking became more important to me than any of my goals of losing weight, looking great for my wedding, getting healthy and having a baby. And so I started to climb the wrong mountain. This mountain I will call the  "Pile of Shit Mountain". Excuse my french. This was a mountain of pain and denial. Of excuses and making the wrong decisions. A mountain filled with late night runs to the convenience store for ice cream, candy bars and wine. Things I thought were making me feel better. Right between the Good Mountain and the Mountain of Shit there is a dam and behind it is the biggest lake of emotion you will ever see. We all have one. Each time a hole would appear in my dam I would fill it with the wrong crap. Food and alcohol. Now crap food and excessive alcohol do not make good cement. In fact if you read the back of a bag of cement they are definitely not listed in the ingredients. So my wall was weak, and eventually my wall broke. And just like Stevie Knicks says " I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills and the landslide brought me down". All the holes I patched with the wrong ingredients burst and my dam started crying. And this is where I find myself today. I have gotten off the pile of shit mountain. I haven't had a drink in 22 days. I waved the white flag. Or for Stevie's sake I'll say I sent a white dove. And I hopped a ride over the right mountain. So today I stand at the bottom of the mountain. And I have never been so thankful in my life, because this is right where I am supposed to be. Every day I am mixing the right cement patching the holes in the damn that holds back my emotion, but not before I let a little more of the bad emotion go as not to put too much pressure on the dam. When I see my reflection I'm not going to lie, I still don't love what I see, but I know this will take time. It will take time to climb the right mountain. It will take time to learn to love myself. And every day that I make the right decisions I take another step up the right mountain. I know along the way there will be bridges over to the Mountain of Shit and I will have to make the choice not to walk across those bridges.  But every time I do I will be stronger. Every day I stay on the right mountain I get stronger. And, someday I will reach the top of my mountain. And I will write my own song. One where the landslide doesn't bring me down. And when I look at my reflection in the snow covered hills I will see a beautiful, strong, loving, wonderful person who deserves to be exactly where she stands.

2 comments:

  1. I have never heard it expressed better. Big love from your proud Mom.

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